THE RITE OF PASSAGE

What is a rite of passage?

Generally speaking, it is a process through which an individual is separated from their former group and prepared to initiate a re-entering process into society, but from a new level, a new position, a higher status.

To actually pass there is something required of you, something that if you do not offer, you will not be deemed good enough to get inside. And of course if you do get inside, you will be socially liked, desired and even loved! You will be inside. And who does not want to be liked, desired, and loved? Who would rather stay on the outside looking in? Watching how others enjoy the acceptance of the rest and prosper?

So you do what you have to do to get all of those things that everybody wants. You are willing to go through a rite of passage of sorts that gives you access to love itself.

And who decides if you pass or not? Who decides whether you are worthy or not? Who indeed? And what if you have this sticky feeling that you are betraying something valuable by putting yourself in that position of being approved of or not? What if that feeling has an insistence that is quite beyond you? As if coming from a place of higher wisdom, of intuitive certainty? What do you do then? What if you realize that you are playing a game, a game which rules you do not accept at all? And that you are not precisely playing, it does not feel like that at least, but rather… it feels like you are the one being played, and that leaves you diminished, while empowering the ones doing the deciding…

Almost every single movie I liked, the really good ones, from the big artsy directors, had at some point a level of nudity, of sexual suggestion where women were always the object and where I was left with a bittersweet taste in my mouth. With that all too familiar feeling in my stomach that let me know that something was a little bit off, although I was not completely able to put my finger on it. Was it just because (as I even convinced myself) it was only directed at men, because it was done by men? Not quite. I could think of a large number of examples where it was art done by men and that was not the case at all. Still… those gut feelings of something off… of those great women artists that were almost always valued, regardless of the true talents that they were, by the level of audacity in their sexual exposure.

That was the key factor: just how much skin or attitude they were willing to display in a sexualized manner, which was all the proof patriarchy needed from them. If they could prove how willing they were to expose their sexuality that would demonstrate their true value as artists. I have to say, I always found that a little bit odd. Having done some acting myself, although I started out well into my mid-thirties, it puzzled me how the indisputable proof of artistic value was always dependent on your willingness to expose yourself in a highly sexualized fashion, even in acting classes.

The vast majority of the women artists that were considered attractive were always, always, required to show some nudity (I speak in the past tense, but this is still true to this day). Having been portrayed as essentially eye candy for male audiences, there were those persistent prerequisites: must be shown as basically sexual, must expose some kind of nudity to demonstrate true artistic value, and must be shown as basic allies to men and therefore enemies of other women (of course, how naïve of me: “divide and conquer”; and no, I am not talking about some fanciful conspiracy theory, that is just the way power works).

Being sexual, seductive and feeling attractive is the best, it makes you feel really alive and gives you a sense of enjoyment like few things do, but it turns into something very different when presented as a prerequisite for attaining something, for gaining a social position; that actually takes the joy out of it, it turns all of those enjoyable things into nothing more than currency and that changes everything. It exposes a power dynamic that is never really advantageous to women (though it may seem profitable at first).

The danger, even though most of these prerequisites are now painfully familiar to most of us, is that there is still a mechanism very much in place that resists with the uncompromising sexualization of women in order to be considered cool, in order to be collectively accepted by the system. We are not free to be sexual when we want to, with whomever we want to and privately if that is our choice. No, the truly cool women are still having to be sexual all the time… because apparently it is also empowering! Weird how something that has always been with us throughout patriarchy empowered us and we didn’t even know it.

You can be smart, sensitive, heard and listened to, yes, but only if you are also sexual, only if you expose yourself in that manner, only if you first serve as a basic object for men… only then will you be allowed to participate in anything as an “equal” (if you are not assigned the limiting asexual role that is, the woman that does not pose any sexual threat, should men want her and have her not want them back, God forbid!). What a submissive, servitude-like position to be in, how belittling. The end of patriarchy should entail giving men’s opinion a reasonable amount of appreciation, equivalent to that of women’s. Especially now, when the inexplicably long-lasting veil has been lifted and we see how empty, interchangeable and ephemeral that apparent “admiration” toward highly sexualized women actually is.

The unbearable vulgarity of it all

If you need to prove that you are appealing, sexy, worthy of men’s sexual attention, you are undoubtedly assigning a lot of value to their opinion, and not just on an individual or subjective level, but as a collective, since you crave that appreciation to be accepted into their system. The dilemma of how we should be able to enjoy our sensuality regardless of all that, of course, as it always seems to be the case, lies with us, women. We are faced with the dilemma of still wanting to be openly sexual if we want to (funny how men never have to censure their sexuality for their own protection), and the response is not covering ourselves up or denying ourselves the expression of our sexuality; that is pretty clear as well.

But there is something undeniable: if you show skin, if you smile and gesticulate in any way that suggests sexuality, if you play the enemy of other women just to get men’s attention, if you play the role of the woman that will do anything to seduce a man, and therefore step onto any principles of sorority, the system run by men will let you in, gladly, you are complying with the prerequisite, they remain the center of attention.

Incidentally, though not surprisingly, the blame is put on women when it comes to the so-called competitiveness amongst ourselves; as if it was just a matter of a lack of sorority and not actually due to a ruthless and violent oppression functioning on so many levels! How could that not be the case? If there is a common denominator is that men, as a collective, are still failing to take responsibility.

Given this state of affairs, women’s sexuality cannot be fully expressed for the sheer joy of it, since it is still a requirement for being accepted, for being considered cool; it is abiding by patriarchy’s oldest rules. And it also serves as a cautionary tale: if you are not cool, you will not be really wanted and desired, but hey, that is your call! How can that ever lead to the much needed female empowerment? It only empowers men all the more, their validation remains absolutely central.

Can you simply choose not to abide by it and find some other way around it?

What if I do not accept the fact that another person, that an entire group, will assign value to me (for me to acknowledge my own value)? What if I do not accept the fact that my self-worth will be determined by someone other than… I don’t know… myself?

When you know deep inside that you really are okay just as you are, that performing that rite of passage has nothing to do with adapting yourself lovingly to another human being, but that it has everything to do with male dominance… Enjoyment and pleasure, that is what sexuality should be all about; and owning our own is essential. Men, as a collective, certainly own theirs.

Let us radically change this toxic power dynamic, for everybody’s sake.